UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST in SIMI VALLEY
Fifteenth Sunday After Pentecost - September 21, 2003
Anne G. Cohen
Proverbs 31:10-31
For Our Reflection:
What makes a marriage [partnership] is the consent of the partners,
their serious intention to live together in some sense, however dimly
perceived, as "one flesh," a union of their two separate existences
into
still a third existence, the marriage [partnership] itself. The question
of external status is entirely and altogether
unnecessary.
- William G. Cole, Sex in Christianity and Psychoanalysis (1955)
The [partnered] are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and,
having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.
- Carolyn Heilbrun, "Marriage is the
Message," Ms. Magazine (August 1974)
In marriage [covenant partnership] reverence is more important even than
love.. A steady awareness in each that the other has a
kinship with the
eternal. - F.J. Sheed, Society
and Sanity (1953)
Disclaimer: Much of the biblical and other material referred to in this
sermon uses the metaphor and institution of marriage and the terms
"husband" and "wife." I have done some work to make
the language more
inclusive. Please forgive any preponderance of hetero-speak that
remains due to our culture and my own point of reference.
************************************************************************
From Proverbs 31:10-31 (NRSV):
A
capable {strong / excellent] wife who can find?
She has the attributes of Woman Wisdom, Sophia.
...The heart of her husband trusts in her...
She does him good, and not harm...
She works with willing hands...
She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household...
She considers a field and buys it...
She girds herself with strength...
She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy...
...all her household are clothed in crimson.
She makes herself coverings...fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known... taking his seat among the elders of the land...
Strength and dignity are her clothing...
She opens her mouth with wisdom
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue...
Her children call her happy...her husband...praises her...
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is meaningless, but a woman who [is in
awe of God] is to be praised.
Many of you have probably seen a recent cycle of Email responses to
President Bush's statements about the institution of marriage. He wants
Americans to uphold and defend the biblical ideal when choosing a Life
Partner. The response, of course, was to lift up examples of marriage
formations found in the Jewish portion of the Bible. (Jesus and Paul
were never married, as far as we know, so the Christian scriptures are
not as helpful as they might be in this area.)
From: “The Top 10 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife”
Deuteronomy 21:11-13 - Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her
home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then
she's yours.
Hosea 1:1-3 - Find a prostitute and marry her.
Exodus 2:16-21 - Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by
watering his flock - as Moses did.
Ruth 4:5-10 - Purchase a piece of property and
get a woman as part of
the deal - as Boaz did.
Judges
dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
Genesis 2:19-24 - Have God create a wife for you while you sleep - as
Adam did.
2 Samuel 11 - Kill any husband and take HIS wife - as David did.
And so on - you get the picture. Its funny - and
certainly its a
statement about Bush's assumptions and lack of nuanced biblical
understanding.
But none of these examples give us a sense that the woman's character,
accomplishments, values or ability to speak Hebrew have anything to do
with being chosen. Ditto for the man choosing her.
Attraction, power,
hope and chance seem to rule the day.
And yet, the overwhelming cumulative lesson from scripture, Jewish and
Christian, is that these things - character, accomplishments, values -
DO matter - to God - and SHOULD matter - to US. Attraction, power, hope
and chance provide the opportunity to then explore deeper and wider -
into our own core selves (so we can know what we want) and into the core
of another (so we can determine if life partnership is an option).
Attraction, power, hope and chance are not the end of the story. Even
when people are thrown together in a biblical sense or story, what
ultimately matters is strength of character and the ability to respond
to different situations with wisdom, innate cunning or street smarts -
and relentless faithfulness in God and the world God intended for us to
live in.
Bush's statements on marriage are shallow, based on a shallow theology
and selective literalism. The response is humorous - also based on
shallow theology and selective literalism. Having been the QUEEN of
shallow theology and selective literalism in MY day - I recognize it
when I see it.
But in the face of so much literal suffering in the lives of real people
who are judged, condemned and torn from life partners because of
shallowness, selective literalism and self-satisfied moralism
- we
cannot and must not let the conversation stay there.
Love is often cited as the main reason for and sustainer of life
partnerships. Love is a complex - if indefinable matrix of thoughts and
feelings - usually in relationship to another. Marriage - defined as a
Covenant between two entities who "love" each other - not only
involves
the in-laws, but also a set of challenges, goals and loyalties that each
entity endeavors to live up to - for a lifetime. This is easier
promised under the influence of raging hormones - than done - one day at
a time for a year - 2 or 20 years - 50 or 100 years.
Life Partnership is an ongoing process that may begin with passion and
utter sincerity - but is sustained by strength and authenticity of
character, the accomplishment of daily affectionate and forgiving
actions, and a sharing of core values.
The shepherd boy who became King David was "discovered" by a great
warrior by the name of Saul. Saul's son, Jonathan, saw David kill
Goliath, heard his voice in conversation with his father, and loved
him. Here is the description from 1 Samuel 18:1-4:
When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound
to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul... Then
Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as his own
soul. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and
gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his
belt.
Jonathan makes David his own life and gives him everything he has on him
and with him - including armor and weapons - leaving himself, if he were
alone, completely vulnerable. I do not recommend this to people who
have just met - but who is to say that this covenant between these men
was not a marriage? It is the language of a life partnership of a
profound nature.
Deuteronomy 6:3-4 is the first of the ten commandments
or challenges to
translates it this way:
Hear, O Israel the Lord is our God, the Lord alone [or the Lord is
ONE]. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with
all your soul, and with all your might.
Rabbi Lawrence Kushner translates the word EH-KHAD or Love to also mean
One. So rather than monotheism (one God) -
Oneness WITH God is the
point. He suggests that Deuteronomy may actually mean:
Hear O Israel, the Lord is your God; love God, love God with all your
heart, with all your soul, and with all your might.
It is a subtle - nuanced - difference. But it makes all the difference
in the world for our understanding of our relationship with God.
Kushner goes on to say:
This may explain the relationship between loving and being one. When
you love someone, you set yourself out of the way, and then you can be
one with your lover. But, of course, no sooner is your self "out of
the
way," than you are also one with yourself. No
longer any illusion of
some interior self set over against an exterior one. Only no self
can
comprehend and unify all of you... (p.72)
How do you love people? You do selfless things for them [like
Jonathan for David, like Jesus for uncounted others]. You do things
which don't necessarily benefit you. Sometimes they don't benefit you
in any way at all. In this sense, every favor can be the beginning of
love or at least its repair. Each favor is a gift of self that says,
"You mean more to me than me. I may not understand your motive; it
is
enough for me to know that you desire it." This is also the idea
behind
religious deeds... (p.71-72) The Book of
Words
Iris Murdoch, 20th century philosopher and author, put it this way:
Love needs to be expressed, it needs to do work.
- The Nice and the Good (p. 124)
Love or Oneness with another is not a static fait accompli. It is a
motivation, an ongoing series of choices and actions and works. It
is
a process.
Marriage - Life Partnership - is then love's work in a particular
context. God, having found and chosen oneness - not just with Israel
(although Israel perceived this early on) - but God having chosen
oneness with all of creation - for all time - is, in every moment, in
the process of giving us everything God has, offering intimacy in
complete vulnerability - holding us as close as God's own soul - for
better or for worse - in Covenant.
Was God's choice built on attraction, power, hope and chance? Those are
certainly aspects of our relationship. Do character, values and
accomplishments - and the ability to speak and understand the language
of divine love - matter? I believe they do - perhaps more so as the
relationship deepens.
My husband,
his choice of Life Partner in the hands of chance and hormones. Long
before I met him, he had developed and revised and enhanced a list of
attributes that he hoped to find in his "Ideal Wife." The
acrostic poem
in Proverbs which lists the attributes and behaviors of the CAPABLE or
EXCELLENT WIFE - a poem written by a member of the cosmopolitan cultural
elite of
She inspires trust
does good, not harm
works and provides for the household
She is strong
a landowner and good at business
She gives help to the poor and needy
Makes her husband look good and gives him reason to be proud
She is clothed in dignity rather than meaningless good looks
She teaches religious values and kindness
Her kids love her and she loves God
Okay, good stuff. But I must say, I like the way
that my husband John
says it better. As I share this with you, think about these attributes
in relationship to your own Life Partner. Also think about them in
relationship to your unknown yet inevitable new Installed Minister. Is
this a list that the Search Committee should have in front of them as
they do the complex and difficult work of finding this church a new Life
Partner in
***
My Ideal Wife . . .
1. . . . shares a Synergistic Relationship with me.
* We inspire one another.
* We bring out the best in one another.
* We do not exacerbate one another’s shortcomings, but instead help
one another to improve.
* We are able to be friends as well as lovers and spouses.
* The idea of our getting married feels right to me, and I believe
it does to her also
2. . . . shares my Values, Goals, and Ambitions
* She values love, joy, productivity, integrity, and wisdom - and
in somewhat the same order.
* Her other values do not conflict strongly with my own.
* We have matching plans for marriage (in a year or so).
* We have matching plans for children (1-3 children, starting 1-3
years after marriage).
* Material WANTS are not important to her, but NEEDS are, and her
definitions of these are similar to my own.
* She accepts (even enjoys and supports) open-minded, religious
community.
3. . . . is both Loving and Love Inspiring
* She loves me and lets me know it through her words and deeds.
* She demonstrates her love for family and friends.
* She is typically warm, generous, and kind with those she doesn’t
know.
* She is attractive both physically and emotionally.
* She inspires my love.
4. . . . is both Joyful and Joy Inspiring.
* She finds much joy in life.
* She has a generally positive outlook on life.
* She has a good sense of humor.
r She is interesting and creative.
5. . . . demonstrates Integrity and Character.
* She knows herself well and does not compromise with her core
identity.
* She observes the golden rule.
* She is truthful and when appropriate, forthright with others.
* Her actions demonstrate a sense of justice as well as an
appropriate level of respect for others.
* When she does harm to others, she does her best to make
appropriate amends.
* She does not frequently tolerate injustice from others.
* She contributes to the good of others in keeping with blessings
she has received.
* She has the strength to resist temptation
* She does what she believes is right even when it involves some
sacrifice on her part.
6. . . . demonstrates Wisdom and Good Judgment.
* She has some experience in the world and a reasonable
understanding of it.
* She has avoided serious mistakes in life, and has learned from
those mistakes she has made.
* The choices she makes continue to demonstrate judgment and
wisdom.
* She is intelligent and educated.
7. . . . is Productive.
* She has energy, dedication, and discipline.
* She is strong and hard-working.
* She gets things done.
* What she gets done is worth doing.
8. . . . has Habits, Tastes, and Interests compatible
with my own.
* She is comfortable in most social settings, and takes an interest
in people different from herself.
* We enjoy similar activities, foods, music, movies, etc.
* She prefers organization, yet can tolerate clutter.
* We share similar sleep patterns.
9. . . . brings desirable Talents, Skills, and
Resources to our
marriage.
* She has experience with children and is good with them.
* She is good with money, has earning potential, and has assets.
* She has other talents, skills, and resources helpful to a
marriage and a household.
* She does not bring significant problems such as addictions,
psychological instability, or messy divorce arrangements.
* She has a family which is supportive of her and which would
likely be supportive of us.
(rev. 3/2000)
***
Unlike God, we cannot usually see into the heart and soul of a human
being - our own, let alone someone else's. This is a blessing - as it
allows us to be kinder to each other, offer the benefit of the doubt.
We are lucky if we find a person who embodies 50%, let alone 80-100% of
the attributes of an Ideal mate.
closely to his. If I didn't embody 80% of his list, I was at least
working on it. Ditto for
grateful enough, like Jonathan, to take off all that I have on and give
it to him - metaphorically speaking, of course.
When the Search Committee finds a Life Partner for this church, I hope
that you will also feel like Jonathan - that the minister's soul is your
own and vice versa. You are willing to be vulnerable with her or him
and vice versa. That your values and hopes and
character and talents
are an excellent match.
And I hope that the Covenant celebration of the beginning of that Life
Partnership inspires joy and hope in the entire East Ventura County
Region and beyond. May it be so.
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Bulletin
WE GATHER FOR PRAYER AND CELEBRATION
Music for Gathering
Welcome and Perspective on the Day
Musical Preparation for Worship - A Time for Centering
+ Call to Worship (responsive)
One: Just a taste of something wonderful.
Many: Only a glimpse of something magnificent.
One: Just a glimmer of something holy in something so
ordinary.
Many: Yet, enough to know we are in the presence of God.
One: Enough to cause us to stop and stare in awe,
Many: Enough to stir our hearts in wonder,
One: Enough to set our feet to dancing
Many: And to prompt our voices to protest and to praise.
+ Hymn of Praise Many and
Great Hymnal #3
+ Opening Prayer (unison)
God of my integrity,
in whom knowledge of truth
and passion for justice are one;
my heart was sentimental and you cleansed it
with your rigorous mercy;
my thoughts were rigid and you engaged them
with your compassionate mind.
Heal my fragmented soul; teach my naivety;
confront my laziness; and inflame my longing
to know your loving discernment
and live out your active love. Amen
+ Our Common Prayer (unison)
Creator God who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our debts
As we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom and the power
And the glory forever. Amen.
Time for Silent Reflection
One: My soul waits in silence.
All: God is my rock and my fortress. I will
be at peace.
Silent
Reflection
The
Assurance of Good News (unison)
In God no one is alone. In God the many are one.
Blessed be!
Sung
Response
(CSB #5 Refrain)
"Hallelujah. God be praised!"
WE TEACH, REFLECT AND PROCLAIM
Conversation with Our Children
Reading from the Hebrew
Scriptures Proverbs
31:10-31
Sermon How God Found a Life
Partner Anne Cohen
WE RESPOND TO GOD'S INVITATION
Intercessions, Celebrations and Encouragements
Call to
Prayer
Be still and know that I am God
Hymnal # 743
Time for
Silence
Our Joys and
Concerns and an Offering of Prayer
Sung
Response
In Solitude
Hymnal #521 vv. 1 & 2
We Offer Our Gifts So That Our Lives May Be Our Prayer
Offertory
Creation Poem is from God's Trombones
A series of "sermons in verse" by James P.
Set to music by Ella Rose Halloran
Bob Erickson, vocalist * Rebecca Dekker,
pianist
Prayer of
Dedication (unison)
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
+ Hymn of Love When Love Is
Found
Hymnal # 362
+ Commissioning (unison)
Christ in my mind that I may see what is true;
Christ in my mouth that I may speak with power;
Christ in my heart that I may learn to be touched;
Christ in my hands that I may work with tenderness;
Christ in my soul that I may know my desire;
Christ in my arms that I may embrace without fear;
Christ in my face that I may shine with God.
+ Sung Response (we gather in some semblance of a circle)
CSB #42
Refrain
Draw the circle wide. Draw it wider still.
Let this be our song, no one stands alone, standing side by side.
Draw the circle wide.
+
Postlude
Rebecca Dekker
WORSHIP NOTES
Call to Worship is by the Reconciling Congregation Program,
Shaping Sanctuary Ed. by Kelly Turney (p.98)
Opening Prayer is by Janet Morley, All Desires Known (p.79)
Prayer of Dedication is from the Pilgrim Hymnal, #177, v.4
Commissioning is by Janet Morley, Ibid. (p.73)